I Don't Know if We Know Why We're Here
by InsincerelyMe
Summary: It was just another night out for Connor. 3 am. In his car. High.


**A/N:** This is a song fic inspired by "Car Radio" by Twenty Øne Piløts! Italicized are lyrics, and if it's not it's normal writing. Hope you enjoy my first attempt at a song fic.

 _I ponder of something great  
My lungs will fill and then deflate  
They fill with fire, exhale desire  
I know it's dire my time today_

Connor had been driving through town for 50 minutes, and if something — anything — in this world meant anything related to greatness, he knew it certainly had to be killing himself. He was a burden to the world, wasn't he? What reason did he have to not be a monster and just end it all?

 _I have these thoughts, so often I ought  
To replace that slot with what I once bought  
'Cause somebody stole my car radio  
And now I just sit in silence_

Connor had these loud thoughts in his silent escape a lot. "Kill yourself," "you mean nothing," "your own damn sister is scared of you," his mind told him. His mind just wanted him to see that he was a monster, it seems. And his only escape from that was to die.

 _Sometimes quiet is violent  
I find it hard to hide it  
My pride is no longer inside  
It's on my sleeve  
My skin will scream reminding me of  
Who I killed inside my dream_

What Connor's mind didn't see, however, is the quiet violence it was playing on him every day, the silent war inside his head, didn't only have to be solved by killing himself. There were things he could do to fight back.

 _I hate this car that I'm driving  
There's no hiding for me  
I'm forced to deal with what I feel  
There is no distraction to mask what is real  
I could pull the steering wheel_

That's why he was out at 3 in the morning, getting high and driving around town. It was Connor's way of "fighting back" against the war, the violence, the enemy his own mind had came to be.

 _I have these thoughts, so often I ought  
To replace that slot with what I once bought  
'Cause somebody stole my car radio  
And now I just sit in silence_

And even if it wasn't silent in his head, it was silent outside. That silence, that would normally scare him, comforted him. That feeling of comfort scared him too. It was so evil, so evil..

 _I ponder of something terrifying  
'Cause this time there's no sound to hide behind  
I find over the course of our human existence  
One thing consists of consistence_

Connor was done. He was ready to turn back. He was going home. He felt better, he felt better. Much better, the silence's comfort was enough for him. He was ready to fight the depths of his own mind by turning back.

 _And it's that we're all battling fear  
Oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here  
Oh my, too deep, please stop thinking  
I liked it better when my car had sound_

But he didn't get much further. He didn't get back home. He didn't realize what was going on. He was getting there.. He crashed. He was going to die. He tried to scream, but no noise came out above a mutter.

 _There are things we can do  
But from the things that work there are only two  
And from the two that we choose to do  
Peace will win and fear will lose  
It is faith and there's sleep_

Had his mind won this time?

 _We need to pick one please because  
Faith is to be awake  
And to be awake is for us to think  
And for us to think is to be alive  
And I will try with every rhyme  
To come across like I am dying  
To let you know you need to try to think_

"CONNOR!" A voice screeched. He looked up slightly. Evan was running to him. But just as Evan dropped down next to him, finally started to tell him that it was going to be okay...

His eyelids closed.

 _I have these thoughts, so often I ought  
To replace that slot with what I once bought  
'Cause somebody stole my car radio  
And now I just sit in silence_

Connor didn't make it home that night. But it seems his mind didn't truly win, because fighting it were the screams in the car.

 _And now I just sit in silence  
And now I just sit  
And now I just sit in silence  
And now I just sit in silence  
And now I just sit in silence  
And now I just sit_

 _I ponder of something great  
My lungs will fill and then deflate  
They fill with fire, exhale desire  
I know it's dire my time today_

 _I have these thoughts, so often I ought  
To replace that slot with what I once bought  
'Cause somebody stole my car radio  
And now I just sit in silence_

It was going to be a long night.


End file.
